I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
