We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
