I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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