i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
