we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
