I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
