i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
