What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
