I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
