i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
