I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
