I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
