i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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