hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
