Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
