I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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