I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
