I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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