matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
