I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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