i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
