Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
