apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
