oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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