but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
