it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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