if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
