Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
