i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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