maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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