well you can't waste a boner
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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