I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Say something about gay babies.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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