ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
