I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
