Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
