I'd wear matching sweaters with you
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
accomplished twins. life is a go
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
