even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
