could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
