I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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