this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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