The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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