I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
