The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
