why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize