She is in my trunk
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize