Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
