i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
