it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Everclear isn't food dammit
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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