So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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