WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
