OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
