mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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