I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize