i need an iv and a liver transplant
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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