Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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