Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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