"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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