there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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