She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
