I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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